Sunday, March 14, 2010

Directions to the All New WordPress link!

As you will read when you click the following link:, the Suz is a duntz and needs a cyber-life jacket when it comes to simple, random acts of technological kindness. So rather than wait for a mouse-clicking savant to rescue me, I'm a-gonna put up this link the old-fashioned way.

So...please pardon the clunkiness and redirect yourself to the all new, yet fully-clothed All the Suz on WordPress. Maybe this time I'll get it right.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Susan J. M. Fritz moves to California and'll see.

Important author's note: the following uber-random post was composed and auto-saved about a month ago, but the author suffered a severe mental lapse and failed to follow-through with an actual posting. So, instead of letting all this randomness and self-effacement go the way of the dodo, it will be presented here in real-time archive glory fashion.

In other words, feel free to skip this and read instead...

Greetings from sunny California, home of happy cows, blond highlights and fake boobs of all sizes! As some of you know, after leaving New York City in June, the topic of "where will Susan live?" has lingered in serious limbo. Since I have spent the greater part of the past 12 years on the east coast, there was always a distinct possibility that after my hiatus in Oregon (or sabbatical, which I prefer because it makes it seem as if I have a job to go back to), I would return to New York City or some other east coast town. Considering everything I own minus what I managed to carry on the airplane bound for Oregon still resides in New Jersey AND I simply adore and worship the Big Town (NYC), it would seem to follow that I'd move back there. But I just love curve balls too much, people! Have you learned nothing about my unpredictability? Any college kids out there could write a paper on the "Predictability of Unpredictability" and just give me a little end note...I'd love to be referenced in an end note. It seems to me there's no reason to go and try to make life simple at this point. Besides, the only thing I thought about with any kind of certainty was that I'd love to live in a warm/hot place. Bingo!

So here I am at last. Mind you, I don't have a place to live or even an air mattress to sleep on when I do find that place, but they have stores here...outlet malls, even. And Target! And...Walmart.

And here I begin the "real" post.

My best good friend (whose name shall be protected for fear of the embarrassment she would inevitably suffer) knows the following 2 pieces of information about my life. "Kelly" will undoubtedly shake her head even more intensely in a few sentences, and honestly, I fear for her neck and the future chiropractic adjustment she may face. Kelly, I hope you have comprehensive insurance, because the following is lame cubed!

Piece of info #1: Shortly after purchasing my new used Ford Focus, I started the long, 13-plus hour drive from Great Falls, Montana to Cannon Beach, Oregon. Three or so hours into it, I needed a break and set out to get some grub and satisfy my Nostalgia Tooth in Missoula, MT (Go Griz!). I did that, but...I got greedy and decided to stop one extra place for some coffee. I went in, exchanged pleasantries with a North Face-outfitted college kid, got my caffeinated beverage, and walked back to my new used car. After giving myself a pat down even the TSA would approve of, I finally accepted the fact that the keys I could clearly see in the passenger's seat were the very same keys needed to unlock the car. I did not strip search myself (get your mind out of the gutter!), but I did do that thing most of us do when we lock ourselves out of anything (car, gym locker, house, etc.). I rifled through the filofax-in-my-brain of McGuyver-esque plans that would result in a magically-opened car door. "Let's see...I've got some ABC gum in my pocket...and I'm sure North Face kid would hook me up with a fork...and I do have some pretty powerful telepathic powers which, combined with the scientific properties of osmosis could potentially result in the keys passing through the passenger-side window and into my hands..." In other words, I went to that irrational place where I could and would do anything to solve this problem. But, short of going back in time, which I also contemplated (Huey Lewis, help me!), I had no choice but to call a locksmith. Luckily and thanks to the advertising prowess of Flo & Co. at Progressive, I was able to easily recall the 800 number which sent over a locksmith for free! Problem solved again...for now...

Piece of info #2 (it took a while to get here): While talking to her on my phone outside of the gym a few weeks ago, I admitted to Kelly (remember's still not her real name...she's in the Suzness Protection Program. I admitted to Kelly that I was waiting for my mom to deliver me my spare set of keys since I'd locked myself out of the car racing into spinning class. Yes, I was racing into the gym so I could move my legs in a circular motion and sweat a lot--on purpose. The best part of Piece of Info #2 is what happens next. So the key delivery is complete and I'm driving away a few minutes after my mom. I get a call from her: "Suz, have you passed the McDonald's yet?" As you may surmise I do not frequent Ray Crock's establishment for personal use, but have been known to "help a brother out" with a Big Mac craving once in a blue moon. "Not yet, dude", I quipped. "Whaddaya need?". She, Linda--my mom, needed some cash because in the race to leave her house to deliver the keys to a girl who'd locked herself out of her brand spanking new used car, she'd left her purse at home. Need I say more? The pomme de terre does not fall far from the tree. Indeed.

And now, the moment Kelly (not her...ok, you know) is waiting for more than any of the other tens of readers...

Piece of info #3 (aka: What Kelly Doesn't Know Might Save Her): So here I am in Los Angeles. Day 2, in fact. I've just gotten my hair cut. I'm thirsty. I require gum. I spot it in the distance. I know this place can satisfy those two needs...and for less money than someplace else...and it's just so convenient...and I promise myself it will just be this once, a quick 2-item trip. As often happens with the Suz in a giant store, I am instantly overwhelmed and my 2-item-limit censor is disarmed. Wait, don't I need shampoo...and conditioner (you can't get one without the other), and maybe a Rubik's Cube--those are back, right? Let's just say I overstayed my welcome, although not excessively so. I did just want to get the heck out of there. You see where I am going with this, I trust. Walk to car, self pat-down, disbelief, cries of "Good Grief!"

Idiocy, that cruel time-thief made me lock myself out of the new used Ford yet again. I will save you the extra reading about the locksmith to follow...rinse and repeat; ditto from the previous examples.

......Instant Karma? Um, yes. I haven't been to a Walmart in years...since my Connecticut days, I think. I mean I was thirsty and wanted gum and it was right there, but even so. Lesson learned? We shall see about that. Third time's a charm? All I can say is the Wrigley's Polar Ice gum had a bitter, bitter taste as the sun set upon the City of Angels and Mega-Store Demons.

P.S. While I did get a haircut today, I did not get blond highlights. I also have no immediate plans to resize my boobs, although I may purchase a push-up bra...not that it's any of your business!

, written March 1, 2010:
As of this posting, I do have a place to live, minus the air mattress. I'm not there yet, but in two shakes of a lamb's tail (remember my vow to supply an endless stream of old-fashioned phrases?), the Suz will return to once again fight the good fight in her new used Ford Focus...and with a current addition to All the Suz!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Story of X-rays in a Small Town

Welcome back, Kotter (I hear you sing). Time to hit that "refresh" button weekly if not daily...the Suz is back with a story that's been stored in my Blackberry for weeks! The "essence" of the story is true, although the names and dates have been changed to protect the identities of the dental professionals involved.

"The other day" (remember?) I went to a brand new dentist in Astoria, OR (for you 80s film aficionados, this is where much of the popular 80s motion picture The Goonies was filmed). Since I am moving again soon, this was to be a one-time visit. I just needed a wee check-up and cleaning...and, at worst, a new filling. You see, I was chewing on some tofurkey (I don't even think I'm making that part up), and I bit down on a crunchy little bugger that had the odd familiar zing of a piece of chipped filling betwixt and between my teeth. It didn't hurt, but to be on the safe side, I decided to seek out a dental professional...STAT!!! So I went a month later.

Although I hoped to avoid the whole X-ray ordeal, the chance at insurance reimbursement got the better of "Acme Dental". For those of you who haven't been to the dentist since the days of that disgusting blue gel fluoride treatment, it seems they now take over 155 million shots of incisors, bicuspids, and those big fellas who grind the tofurkey. It's like the teeth paparazzi have descended upon Dentalville.

Understand, I am not a total wimp when it comes to pain. I'm not a "Fan of Pain" on Facebook or anything, but I try to deal with it. In the dental X-ray world, this translates into holding still, using my ujayi breathing technique, and imagining the dental hygienist in her underwear (wait, that doesn't really work here, does it?).

Actually, if you'll allow for a quick tangent, I'd like to share one of my more undesirable personal qualities. At times, I am what you could call a "brown-noser" or "sycophant"...but only around people who will never, ever be able to give me a job, help me earn fame/money, or be able to return any variety of favor in life...ever. Over the years I have developed a special ability to charm Librarians, DMV employees, and Dental Hygienists, all of whom are manish-looking middle-aged women. This is not something you can fake, by the way. There are no missteps allowed whilst charming said individuals. My last trip to the dental hygienist was at Exchange Dental near the Stock Exchange. My skills were honed there. I shamelessly announced "I floss twice a day!" to the woman, and at the conclusion of my cleaning she offered the proclamation: "I have no complaints." I mean, how often does that happen?


After I patiently endured the X-rays, some chump who introduced himself as "Doctor X" showed up for approximately 3 seconds. He looked at the area of complaint and declared, "Uh...well, I guess a piece of porcelain could have chipped off, but it's not a structual problem". And so, with insurance dollar signs in his eyes, he departed. And I was left to make another appointment to get my teeth cleaned. Did my brown-nosing ways pay off? Let's just say they gave me a free toothbrush and samples of floss, so, you be the judge.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Me and Magnum, P.I.

Hear that theme song in your head. The electric guitar notes driving that famous red car along to the beat. Higgins and his tomfoolery and butler-esque hijinks. You know you remember. You know you watched it. Even if your mom wasn't (I should say, isn't)obsessed with all things Tom Selleck, I hope you'll appreciate the following:

As Magnum PI likes to say, "I know what you're thinking".

You're thinking, "What is this nonsense all about? Hiatus? Decaf (I hate to disappoint you, Matt...but remember, I already said it wouldn't last). And, because All the Suz are constantly asking hypothetical questions: "Wait a minute, didn't she just write on my FB wall?". Alright, so I'm a bit of an exaggerator or a person with unrealistic ideas. Nevertheless, I have turned the connection to my blackberry off for most of the day and only used it as a clock or to write down things like "put on pants today". I have my limitations! Give a Suz a break.

Maybe, dear reader, just maybe I'll sit you down someday and tell you why--why I did it. Maybe when you're older. As for this post, I'd like to discuss a very important subject of national, even international import: dental x-rays. I'm sure Jerry Seinfeld has already covered this topic (re: "dental x-rays, What's up with that? Yada, yada, etc"), but I have not. Some thoughts.

Some time on All the Suz Presents: Best of Hypocrisy 2010! New year, New chance to retract what you promised to yourself. (Although for the record, I haven't even HAD coffee for a few joke).

Time to turn of the electronics again...Hasta!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Susan...go to your room!

Readers (if you're still out there...if you haven't given up on me),

My mom only uttered this phrase in the "you're grounded" sense once. I was in high school and it only lasted about 15 minutes before I did something silly and was let out of my lair. It was before the days of full-on entertainment available in one's childhood room, but nevertheless a sort of "punishment".

Well, right now I am grounding myself! Not only from this inexcusable, unintended hiatus I just took (last entry was Dec. 19th...are you kidding me?), but a real one this time. I am taking an authentic hiatus from all things electronic as a little experiment to see if I can stand it and to see if I immediately decide that the Amish life is for me. Don't worry, I'll be back and as addicted as ever I'm sure. Just like my recent switch to decaf will also admittedly be short lived (**gasps from the crowd after "Pre-coffee Coffee" this chick a hypocrite or what?). Well, no, not a hypocrite, just someone who changes her mind a lot.

What is certain: when I return to the world of electronics around Jan. 20th, be ready! I will have more random stories than you can shake a didgeridoo at. And yes, I had to spell check that one. Perhaps I shall spend much of my time away from Facebook status updates reading the dictionary. Wait...I sort of already do that.

Happy New Year of 2010. My challenge for this post: come up with a slogan (preferable but not necessarily a rhyming one) for the year 2010.

For example:

Sven in O-ten!
Zen in twenty-ten

Like that, only good, please. You are all massively creative people.

Speaking of Facebook, in case you missed my big announcement, I am indeed moving to the City of Angels at the end of this month. That's LA for you's Los Angeles for the seasoned folk.

Hugs not drugs!