The Sock Orphan Chronicles, Episode 1

Episode 1 will explain the genesis of the "sock orphan" and why you should care.

What, pray tell, is a "sock orphan"?

I'm glad you asked. A Sock Orphan is an article of clothing--in this case, a sock, that has lost it's mate or what is also called its "match".

What happened? Why is it lost? Too much Sartre?

First, the sock is not "lost" in terms of an Existential or identity crisis, but rather, physically lost. This loss is to a variety of circumstances, but the most common cause is Laundry Annihilation or what is known as Devouring Laundry Syndrome (DLS). Although only some of the stories circulating are substantiated, many people believe that the so-called "Sock Monster" is actually responsible for the loss of untold millions of socks. It is true that the Sock Monster is one of the key players--possibly even the #1 culprit in this war (think of him as the Osama Bin Laden of the War Against the Terrorization of Socks), he is merely a figurehead representing a much more significant problem.*

What can I do right now to help end Sock Orphandom?

The answer may surprise you: vow to keep a better eye on your own pairs of socks by ensuring that sock mates are folded or balled up (to each his own method) each and every time you complete a load of laundry.

I have extra money lying around. I'd like to donate to a charitable organization so I can impress my friends and also get a tax deduction. I am passionate about helping disaffected socks. What organizations do you recommend?

You can donate to organizations that help disaffected, refugee socks, such as the United Sock Refugee Camps of America, or the international organization Knitters for Ukniting Socks, a delightful group started by a retired children's librarian in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

Is Sally Struthers involved in any reputable Sock Orphan Rescue organizations?

No. At present, Sock Orphan Rescue is an underrepresented, underfunded cause with no celebrity endorsements. My hope is that the awareness raised on high-traffic, totally free and unadvertised blog sites such as "All the Suz That's Fit to Print" will play a significant role in encouraging this grass roots effort to blossom.

So no Sally Struthers then, huh? Who else do you know? I'm not donating to an unknown hack.

Alright, enough! I know a guy who's cousin used to be friends with a guy who once delivered some flowers to the agent's assistant of Martha Plimpton, ok? I will work on it.

I am an aspiring stand-up comedian. Can I use the information you provide here in my new routine?

Everyone has their own stand-up routine based on missing articles of clothing--especially socks--but my guess is few have taken these routines to a public forum such as an Open Mic Night or even a full-on comedy set, so yes, go ahead and use whatever material you deem useful for future endeavors. Good luck!

*This "larger problem" will be discussed at length in forthcoming episodes of The Sock Orphan Chronicles.

Samantha Jones-McClaughlin has the week off.