"The other day" (*see explanation in the paragraph to follow regarding the potential meaning or meanings of this dubious phrase), I caught myself doing something a lot of us do, but for some reason I noticed it and it made me lol. No, not Lallygag Outside Louisiana; not Languish Over Legumes; not even Love Over Lycopene. Nary a one of those things! I must admit, it simply caused me to Laugh Out Loud.
As I'm wont to do, I bought a new kind of sparkling beverage "the other day" (for those of you from populated parts of the country, that phrase includes a range of dates from yesterday to last year). I bought it less because I was thirsting for a bubbly beverage, but more because I am a cheap sonnuvusuz and it was on sale...better still (or worse depending on your level of snobbery), this friendly beverage was a generic store brand item on sale. Better still (or worse depending on your outrage at copy-cat brands and/or your passion for defending the Perrier brand), the flavor of this sugar-free, naturally-flavored-with-other-natural-flavors, clear-sparkling-water-beverage--I say, the flavor was Raspberry Acai. To add one last insult to this injurious drink, it was "enhanced with vitamins B3, B5, and B12...and not a B-vitamin more! Good day, sir! One can only assume that such B-vitamin bigotry resulted from limited space in the 33.8 fl ounces allotted, but I could be wrong. It's happened before (me being wrong, that is).
Where was I? How in Hades would you, dear reader, know, since that's my job as your humble escort down the River Suz. I was talking about how I regarded said frosty libation with an alien curiosity...I gave it the 'ol one-eyed gaze worthy of the best third-grade staring contest. It was like looking into the belly of an unknown inanimate beast. But wait...I mean, I've drunk water, right? Every day, in fact. I've also whetted my whistle with the odd diet Coke, Sprite, or even Tab in my day. I could do this naming of drinks I've drunk for hours! So could you if given half a chance.
The point is, I picked up this bottle--a bottle not unlike the bottles of yesteryear--opened it carefully (so as not to encourage a bubble explosion), took a small swig to test it, and then gazed at it with what could have only have been interpreted as a confounded look. Stay with me and you'll recognize this behavior as your own. When we (Gen X and beyond) were kids it was the cereal box; now it's any bottle. What am I, a cave woman; a Neandersuz? Have I never seen a plastic bottle? Perhaps my gaze is tainted with twinges of confoundment (hey, it's a word now) because, after all, "how many years WILL it take for this plastic to return to Mother Earth?". No one really knows...just like no one ever understood what all the fuss was about Mikey (to delve into another sore childhood subject). Why not me? Wasn't I good enough to appear on the cover of a cereal box? OK, so maybe Wheaties was and should have been reserved for Olympic athletes such as Mary Lou Retton and basketball greats such as Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan, but Life cereal?
I'm over it, I'm over it. Rinse and repeat. Pick up, gaze, gander, and drink.
Following in the footsteps of Alice in her Wonderland...I remain faithfully nonsensical, however sensible, yours truly...Suz.